Hit Man

Arty was a notorious hit man

And whatever job he did,

He had special rates for pensioners,

He only charged them a quid.

Arty met one some days later,

Who was planning a dastardly deed.

He said, “I need someone murdering,”

Arty said, “I’m the fellow you need.”

The couple that he mentioned,

Used to shop every week in LIDL.

He said to Arty, “How come you’re so cheap?”

Arty replied, “I cut out the man in the middle.”

One night in the superstore,

Not far from the cakes and bread,

One of the store detectives

Found this couple dead.

Next day Arty was arrested,

Police said, “Why he did it was a riddle.”

Next day the headlines read,

Arty chokes two for a pound in LIDL.

Horse Play

Paddy had a terrible experience

While riding a horse one day,

Suddenly without warning,

It started to buck and sway.

It was throwing Paddy up and down

And swaying him from side to side,

Paddy could not control his horse,

No matter how he tried.

He was getting a little concerned

As he hung on for dear life,

Then he started panicking,

And began shouting for his wife.

When people heard him shouting

A crowd came on the scene,

Then the manager came out of Morrison’s

And switched off the machine.

Clever Dog

Every morning Aunt Martha and her neighbour

Would take their dogs for a walk

And according to her neighbour

Her dog could anything but talk.

She was always boasting about her dog,

Saying, “There’s no dog as clever as our Shep,

You should have seen him this morning,

He brought the milk in off the front step.

“When I pretend to shoot him,

He rolls over and pretends to be dead,

And when I ask him if he wants any food

He just barks and nods his head.”

Hearing all this boasting about Shep

Was doing in Aunt Martha’s head,

“The next time she starts boasting

I will get my own back,” she said.

Next day Alice said, “Shep’s been to t’ butchers,

And brought back a nice juicy bone.”

Aunt Martha said, “Yes I know already,

Our Rover told me on his mobile phone.”

Salesman

A vacuum cleaner salesman was out

On a remote Yorkshire moor,

At a very old stone cottage,

Where an old lady answered the door.

“Come in,” she said to the salesman,

“We don’t get many of you round here,

As a matter of fact,” she told him,

“You’re the first one I’ve seen this year.”

When he showed her the vacuum cleaner

She said, “What is it? What does it do?”

He said, “It’s a vacuum cleaner,

I’ll demonstrate it to you.”

The old lady was fascinated

Saying, “I’ve never seen one before.”

The salesman began to demonstrate

By sprinkling some soot on the floor.

As well as sprinkling soot,

He sprinkled confetti too,

Saying, “The vacuum will pick it up,

And leave your carpet like brand new.”

He asked, “Where’s the nearest socket?

And then he became upset,

When the old lady replied, “We have none,

We haven’t got electricity yet.”

Gone with the Wind

Uncle Paul was a keen golfer,

Who used to play at Dean Wood,

His handicap was twenty six,

Which means he wasn’t too good.

Anyhow he kept on trying,

Like other golfers do.

He said, “I won’t be satisfied

Until I’ve scored a seventy two.”

The fourth hole was his downfall,

It always upset Uncle Paul,

No matter how many time’s he played it,

He could never make par at all.

Whenever he got near the green,

He always fluffed his shot,

Although it was only a par three

A six is the lowest he got.

Yes, the fourth hole at Dean Wood,

Was the bane of Uncle Paul’s life,

In fact it upset him that much

He hatched a plot with his wife.

He said, “There is a way

You can help me when I pass on,

Sprinkle my ashes on the fourth green

Then I’ll get a hole in one.”

Sadly one day Paul passed away,

And his soul was laid to rest,

She took his ashes to Dean Wood

To fulfill Paul’s last request.

But a strange thing happened

As she threw his ashes on the ground,

Suddenly a gust of wind

Blew her husband out of bounds.

 Bargain

Paddy came home and said to his wife,

“You have to shop around,

I’ve seen a shop in Wigan,

Offering two suits for a pound.”

Next day his wife said to him,

“I’ve just been shopping in town,

And I’ve seen that bargain shop,

It’s the dry cleaners you clown.”

New Year

January is a horrible month,

The weather is always murky,

But I suppose it gives you time

To finish off the turkey.

February is the time for romance,

When the boyfriend proposes,

And suddenly florists everywhere

Double the price of roses.

March is for weddings

Aisle, alter, hymn.

Soon the bride is thinking

"I'll alter him."

April is the lambing season

A busy time for the farmer,

You can tell it's nearly summer

The rain is getting warmer.

May is the cricket season,

The sound of leather on willow

If you go to a match

Don't forget to take a pillow.

June, flaming June they call it,

The weather's supposed to be hot,

It may be hot in Portugal

But in Wigan it's flaming not.

July is for complaining,

Sometimes it rains a lot,

We complain when it's raining

And complain when it's not.

August is the time of year

For barbecues, of course,

And the couple who wed in March

Are thinking of a divorce.

September bowling season ends,

You put away the bowls and mat,

Then for no apparent reason

You throw things at the cat.

October all the clocks go back,

So it means we have dark nights

It's a signal to all the cyclists

To ride on pavements without lights.

November is the month

For fireworks they say,

How come that here in Wigan

They've been going off since May.

December it is Christmas time,

A time for joy and good will,

But believe me it's not much joy

If you have to pay the bill.

King Kong

Blackpool Zoo was having a bad season,

The number of visitors was low,

The manager said, “We need a new attraction,

Something that will steal the show.”

One of the staff said, “I have a good idea

That will bring the crowds along,

One of us can dress like a gorilla,

And you can call him King Kong.”

Well they dressed up one of the staff

And put him in a cage.

Soon all the visitors were flocking back,

King Kong was all the rage.

He would swing on the bars of the cage,

And the children would shout for more,

But one day he swung too far

And landed in the lion’s cage next door.

The Lion gave a mighty roar

As King Kong tried to climb back

King Kong shouted, “Help get me out.”

The Lion said, “Shut up or we’ll both get the sack.”

Interpol

I went into a pub last night

And saw Paddy Murphy at t' bar

He said, "I've been trying to phone Interpol

But I've had no luck so far."

Just a few minutes later

Paddy decided to try again

Saying, "Excuse me, is that Interpol?"

A voice said, "You are through to Spain."

Paddy was getting frustrated

He began shouting down the phone,

"Excuse me is that Interpol?"

A voice said, "You are through to Cologne."

Paddy turned to me and said,

"I've never known anything like it in my life,

All I wanted from Interpol

Was a dozen roses for my wife."

Chinese Diet

When Syd Eccles finished work

He became a bit of a slouch,

All he did was watch the telly,

Suppin' cans of ale on t' couch.

Every time his wife complained

All he said was, "Oh, be quiet,"

And he really lost his temper

When she said, "You should go on a diet,"

One day he didn't feel to good,

Complaining of pains in his chest,

So he went to see the doctor,

Who sent him to the infirmary for a test.

They told him at the infirmary

That he should cut down on his booze,

And suggested he go on a diet,

Saying, "It's some weight you should lose."

When he got home he told his wife,

Who was sat down having a read,

She said, "It says here in t' Reporter,

 A Chinese diet is what you need."

He wrote off for the Chinese diet,

The forwarding address was Crewe,

It said, "Please send forty pounds

And we'll send the diet to you."

A few weeks later Syd realised

He'd fallen for the three card trick.

When the postman delivered a parcel,

Inside it was one chopstick.

Give Us A Push

A couple were asleep in bed

When there was a knock on the door.

The husband tried to ignore it

But the noise was louder than before.

He finally went and opened the door,

And was met by a drunk. “Gizza push,” he said.

The husband said, “Get lost. It’s half past three.”

Slamming the door he went back to bed.

“That wasn’t very nice” his wife said.

“You broke down once in the rain,

And knocked on a door to ask for a push

So we could drive home again.”

“I didn’t think you were so mean,

I thought you were a person who cares.”

The husband thought, “I’m not going to win,”

So he got up and went down stairs.

He opened the front door, went outside,

But he couldn’t see a thing.

He shouted, “Do you still want a push?”

The drunk said, “Yes I’m out here on the swing.”

Henry Tate

Ramblers were reported missing
Motorists were sent the wrong way,
One driver going to Manchester
Ended up in Tiger Bay.

Everyone said it was a waste of money,
Two hundred pounds they cost,
The headlines in the newspapers said.
He who has a Tates is lost.

Goose Green Joe

Six feet

Paddy said “That’s a good idea,”
And quickly jumped out of bed,
Then he began to count the feet,
“You’re right, there’s only four,” He said.

Schooldays

As I was leaving I shouted to him,
“Congratulations I’ll see thee agen,”

He said “Yes I’m sixty two today,
Next week I’m two ty ten”

Phil

He said “I’m upset no one knows me,”
I said “Oh I know thee alreet,
Tha one ert Dingles aren’t tha,
I saw thee on Emmerdale last neet.”

End of Season

For no apparent reason.

Yes with a heavy heart

And throw things at the cat.

"I've had enough I'm leaving thee"

And take up golf instead?"

"You don't understand," I said

If I can't send a wood."

"But I promise I will change my ways

We're going on a tour."

"Where we going?" She mumbled

There's some cracking greens o'er theer."